Young Adult – Not Even.

So, we rented our usual pile of movies last weekend. We try to choose a variety – ones we know we’ll love or hate and ones we have no idea about. Young Adult was one of the latter, and I actually chose it because I generally love Charlize Theron and thought it would be a fun, quirky comedy.

Guess again.

The main character is despicable. She drinks constantly, looks dishevelled and wears dirty clothing unless she decides that nice clothing and hair would better serve her purpose. She decides that she wants to travel back to her hometown and get back the love of her life – who is also married and has a child. The premise of the movie is that this woman has been writing Young Adult-style high school teen-fantasy novels for so long that she is essentially stuck in one in her own head.

Great premise for a comedy, right?

Wrong.

For some reason, the makers of this movie decided it would be better off as a harsh lesson about life. 90% of the movie is in fact the opposite of funny – it inspires pure, unadulterated hatred for the main character as she ruthlessly uses people and rubber bands between traipsing around happily being a bitch and drinking herself into a stupor to forget how much of a bitch she is.

I did not feel sorry for her. I felt sorry for her parents, her friends, and basically anyone else she interacted with, but with her? Hell no. I found myself hoping halfway through the movie that she would suffer an unfortunate accident at the hands of a drunk motorist and either die or be permanently crippled.

Now, I won’t diss Charlize. She did a fantastic job making me hate her. Patton Oswalt was also fabulous as usual. I just don’t understand why they took that direction with this film. “Let’s make a movie about someone that no one can relate to and that everyone will hate. Yeah! That will do real well.”

Riiiiight.

I would have been happier with a Ben Stiller-esque film where you AT LEAST feel bad for the main character as he/she undergoes all sorts of horrible and embarassing social encounters and shenanigans. At least I would have felt something besides irritation.

I don’t see a reason to rent this. Don’t waste your money.

 

Mythology and the Propagation of Stupidity

Most of us are familiar with Greek Mythology. We’ve all been told at least one story about how someone defied the gods and was punished with some kind of natural disaster. I have always been a fan of how magical and interesting these tales make the world seem. I can imagine, when there’s a tsunami, that a huge Viking-like blond dude with a trident is pissed off and playing with the ocean like a kid would play with Tonka trucks. Exciting, isn’t it?

Unfortunately, though – it’s a myth.

Where am I going with this? Down the Information Superhighway; or, in our current case, the Misinformation Superhighway.

The Internet seemed like a great thing. At first. You could get information quickly and easily without having to pay. Videos of anything you could imagine became readily accessible. One would think that from this platform would spring thousands of possibilities for education. Scientific journals would be available to enlighten us on current research topics. People already in school would easily further their educations, and people not in school could actually glean information to the point of having the equivalent to a degree.

Well, in our dreams, at least.

Instead, the Internet is currently a cesspool of propaganda and stupidity. Anyone can write a blog post or an article. Anyone has the right to believe anything they want, because all of the information is free to read and use. Not only that; it’s convincing and provocative, just like the Greek Myths. I mean, what’s more appealing; the sun rises and falls because the planet is rotating and moving in a specific way, or the sun rises because a dude in a fucking chariot driven by unicorns is TOWING the sun across the sky for us?

I rest my case.

The popularity of the information found on the Internet is inversely proportionate to the truth it contains. The more lies and conspiracies an article contains, the more “likes” and “views” it receives. My brother-in-law Kurt wrote about how reality is really mostly boring, which is why we have science fiction, fantasy, television, etc, etc, to spice up the humdrumness of it all. This is a fact people tend to forget as soon as they turn their computers on. Intelligence instantly evaporates when we are faced with a piece of writing that is controversial or conspiratorial. We have this weird human instinct to gravitate towards lies to make our lives more exciting. Let me exemplify it a few different ways:

Health: Last week, I spoke to a friend of a friend. This person, who I will call Moltox to avoid offending anyone with an existing given name, informed me of a number ways in which current medicine is incorrect. He told me that eyeglasses are bad for you and that there are other, better ways to deal with our health which, for some reason, I had never heard of! He proceeded to link me to various very poorly-made websites that preached about auras, energy, and mental strength, but sold 2500$ golden balls to carry around with you that would “align your energies”. This person told me that he could choose which foods are healthy simply by focussing on them and merging his energies with the food’s. He told me that he could move bones into place with his mind and that he has healed people this way before.

Sounds mind-blowingly exciting, doesn’t it? Maybe like something you’d catch on an old episode of Star Trek? Warning lights go off while reading it at all? Next thing you’ll hear is that this person refused to go to the hospital for lung cancer because he was convinced he could crush the cancer with his mind. Well, survival of the fittest, I suppose. If people are THAT prone to naivety, I say let them fade out. It will give the human race a better chance as a whole. It’s brutal, but it’s true.

Next example.

Let’s go with politics this time. As it is election time currently, shit is far worse. What’s really amazing is how every website and blog suddenly has accurate graphs and charts with numbers showing how Obama killed the economy. Or how much money Romney spends. Or how much he will take away with tax cuts. Amazing how everyone knows these numbers!  Do you have any idea how easy it is to make a graph from your house with a simple paint program? Allow me to demonstrate:

BAM. Amazing, isn’t it? Now check this one out. Instant conspiracy. A person’s weight graphed against the number of donuts eaten – but look at this! Lo! And Behold! If you EAT ENOUGH DONUTS, you won’t get fat anymore. The government has been lying to us all along! Obama has withheld this information from us the whole time!

Do you see how dangerous this can be? If I can spend literally 45 seconds making this graph and writing a two-paragraph blurb about how donuts are actually good for you, imagine what people with time on their hands could do.

A snap of the fingers, and…

The president wasn’t really born here anymore! The government only puts grains on the top of the food chain because it’s the cheapest food to produce, and grains are causing the diabetes epidemic!! Ye Shiwen didn’t really win any Olympic medals! Table salt is actually ground up glass and sand! The President is secretly trying to suppress us all and has opened up secret concentration camps to torture people! Using a piece of paper instantly kills five trees in the rainforest! There are abortion factories where the Devil encourages young people to have sex and then profits monetarily from their abortion procedures! Oh, and Harry Potter is not only written by the Devil himself, but reading the books gives you magical (Satanic) abilities like telekinesis and pyrokinesis!

Believe it or not, these are all articles that have not only been written (some by the Onion), but BELIEVED. By millions of people. They caused a spread of propaganda over the Internet in a matter of hours. It is embarassing that this is what people are doing with their time instead of using the Net as an educational tool. They read and wait for the familiar feeling that “Wow, I was right, the government is screwing us over.” It’s almost like a drug. The more unbelievable the article is, the more they are inclined to believe it.

Can this be reversed? Probably not. But I implore anyone who is reading this to do more, better research when you hear/read about or see something. If this blog post scared you, good. It should. Stupidity is contagious and we need to vaccinate against it.

Don’t take anything at face value.

—-

Extra thanks to Kurt Foster for writing his own rant and further inspiring me. If I can get a link to his at some point, I will include it here.

Ghost Rider 2 – Spirit of Vengeance

I was pretty disappointed with this.

Of course, I went in expecting little. The first movie was entertaining almost solely because it’s fun to watch Nicholas Cage being a prick. He has his charms.

Ghost Rider 2 gains points in some areas over its predecessor, and loses points in others. The effects and action are definitely improved. Watching him try to fight the demon as it tries to take him over is fantastic. It borders on the scary, which is a good counterpart to the corniness of the film.

And then, the downsides.

The movie is actually quite boring in between action scenes. I found myself nodding off about halfway through it with all the walking around and talking.

Then the “dilophosaurus” scenes. (Please see Jurassic Park I for clarification) Well, I’ll call them that, at least. Ghost Rider grabs someone’s face and hisses at them while opening his mouth really wide. You grasp your seat in anticipation and eagerly await their soul to fly out of them and into his mouth. Instead, nothing really happens. He keeps staring at them. Their eyes shift color a bit. He stares some more. They wince. He stares some more. They wince. He stares some more. And you get the picture. One of these scenes in particular must have been a minute and a half long. Did anyone on the crew watch this after they made it? What the fuck is he even doing to them?

The movie also managed to kill off most of Nick Cage’s “charm”. They went from giving him lines that were corny but still hilarious when he said them, to giving him lines that just totally shit the bed. And I don’t mind corniness; it’s a comic book, after all. I don’t need my superhero movies to be all dark and dramatic. But a few of the lines were so bad I facepalmed, turned to Erek, and asked him if he REALLY JUST SAID THAT.

Also, the guy who plays the Devil – not scary.  Not cool.  BORINNNNNG.  It’s a shame, because the whole concept of the comic is badass and they managed to muck it up this badly.

I would barely recommend this as a rental. If you’re a Nick Cage fan, it’s worth a watch..sort of.

 

50 Shades of Terrible – A Dual Rant

I decided to check out the “50 Shades of Grey” trilogy after hearing through the grapevine that it was a good read. Needless to say, as with many other trendy books that people rave about, it was utterly horrific.

Be prepared for spoilers after this point. And profanity.

The series starts and it is relatively interesting. Our main character, innocent and demure, meets Mr. Grey, who is infinitely rich, infinitely good looking, and arrogant. He turns her on. Shocker! They meet again “by coincidence” later on and a few times after that, and she soon finds out that he is a Dominant and wishes her to be his Submissive. Ooh, a different concept for popular fiction. Cool! The sex scenes to follow are vivid and entertaining. Good porn value. So where does it go wrong?

As you get to know the main character, she becomes increasingly more irritating. The book begins to fill with interjections from her “inner goddess” telling her to be a slut or to not let him be in control of her. I’m pretty confident she says or thinks “Oh my” a minimum of 256 times in the entire series. George Takei would be proud.

Things take another turn. She decides that she wants to help him. Fix him. She can’t be his Sub, but she can try to turn his life around! Next time, on Dr. Phil…

The entire second book is spent whining about whether or not she really wants to be with him and deciding whether or not he’s actually a violent dude. But – lo and behold – she slowly begins to change him. Mr. Grey, in the span of…maybe a year total throughout the three books…goes from a cold, calculating, arrogant, sexy in a somewhat scary way – prick – to a slobbery, crying, emotional pile of goo who freaks out whenever the female lead does anything. He sheds 20-30 years of emotional baggage INSTANTLY because of her. Because of love.

Totally realistic.

By the end of the third book, they are married, have a child, and are on their way to the second child. Happily Ever After.

WHAT THE FUCK? Wait a second. 1000 pages ago, he was nailing her from behind, spanking her and…

Here is where I get angry. Obviously, E.L. James is a genius. She knew exactly what to write to make millions of naive and stupid women fall ass-over-face for her books. It is the same concept that Twilight took advantage of. I really need to come up with a term for it….

Naive Romantasy. Let’s call it that for now.

The concept of Naive Romantasy is a simple one. Women who don’t know better, especially ones who have been brought up with junk like the Twilight series as primary reading in their teens, are raised with the preconceived notion that every man can be a perfect specimen of fairy tale princery with just a little bit of work on her part. Every man can be molded into exactly what you want and need with love.

And I’ve KNOWN PEOPLE like this. Women my age (mid-twenties) who keep meeting men and becoming sorely disappointed because they don’t sweep them off their feet and instantly fulfill their every fantasy. Women who expect men to read their minds, cry when they’re emotional, and be vulnerable when they feel they should be. Men who let them control what they do and when because they’re just so in love. Seriously? Really?

It’s junk romantic fiction like Twilight and 50 Shades of Grey that give teens and women this impression. They sell because these women want to believe that it could happen to them. They could meet the real Prince Charming and he could carry them back to his mansion on a giant white unicorn, then make sweet love to them and tell them they’ll do the dishes and that they love them more than anything in the universe. That they’ll never look at another woman again because their eyes are just overtaken with love.

It’s depressing. I’ve read accounts on other blogs of teenagers that have broken up with their boyfriends because they’re, and I quote, “Not like Edward”. They compare real-life men to the men in these Hyper-Romantasy novels. So real-life men are getting turned down, ditched, and are going into relationships with such incredibly overly unrealistic expectations that no ACTUAL HUMAN MALE has a chance in Hell.

I say stop producing this shit and actually write a romantic novel that’s real. Sure, keep the juicy sex and spanking; who doesn’t love that? But please, stop pretending that men can be origami cranes folded to perfection and placed on display for everyone to be jealous about. They can’t be. Stop twisting the fresh minds of adolescent girls with your torrid trash. Learn to write better, and write something awesome.

Ladies, please. Realize that your man is human. Realize that you’ll never be an angel and neither will he. Maybe have a “Romantasy” day with your man where you guys pretend that you live in that type of world. But please accept that men like Edward and Grey don’t exist.

Come to terms with that.

The Birth of Grumblecakes – Oh, and a Rant.

Well, here it is, at least until we’re done designing the site ourselves – Grumblecakes.  I hope to post daily or at least a few times per week, and I hope to see some readers and comments at least that often. ;)

And on to the rant.  Cut to the chase.

I’ve been doing research recently about nutrition and dieting.  I’m sure some of you have gotten wind of an annoyed post or two I’ve made on Facebook about it.  It all stemmed from a conversation I had with a friend of mine about obesity being so prevalent in the United States.  We are, of course, the #1 hot spot currently for obesity and diabetes in the world, based on percentages of the population.  Not really surprising.

But WHY?  What causes obesity?  My friend insisted that it was carbs.  Well, I doubt that carbs alone are causing people to become so unhealthy.  I eat them, and I know people who eat them, and they are not 400 pounds or diabetic, and neither am I.  So I delved deeper.  I researched some very common fad diets and “life plans” for weight loss, and came to a relatively quick and simple solution:  people are LAZY.

Everyone wants to lose weight without effort.  They don’t want to walk more or get outside more.  They want to sit on their asses and watch the pounds fall off!  And, logically, there are some people who take advantage of this factor consistently.  Cut out all carbs and you’ll lose weight!  Cut out fat and you’ll lose weight!  Eat only spinach and you’ll lose weight!  Take this pill and you’ll shit all the weight off!!  But unfortunately, these premises all adhere to the same principle – if you cut something out of your diet, you will lose weight.  Well, d’oh.  Of course you will.  But are you ready to cut that something out for the rest of your life?  Because as  soon as you put it back in at the rate you were consuming it before, you will gain the weight back.  Hasn’t anyone noticed that MOST people who try fad diets continue to try different ones in succession?  Could it be that THEY’RE NOT WORKING?!!

People want to lose weight FAST.  They don’t want to portion themselves, watch what they eat, and exercise daily.  Are you kidding me?  Laziness is what made you fat in the first place, you know.  Continuing to be lazy is only going to cause more issues.

I challenge all of you to try just six things –

1 – Drink a ton of water and stop/limit drinking soda.  You might as well drink some sweetened battery acid.  Mmmmmm.

2 – Exercise for a minimum of 30 minutes daily (speed walking, sex, gym, jogging, DDR, calisthenics, etc)

3 – Cut your portion size down to about the size of your hand.

4 – Eat 4-6 meals at that size instead of two or three huge meals.

5 – Eat only one “dessert” per day and amp up consumption of fruit whenever you crave sugar.

6 – Make your own food.  Stop eating out, or when you eat out, stick to the portion size rule and bring half of it home.

And yes, amazing, those six things take some work.  They require some changes.  But you won’t get sick, you don’t have to purge or binge, and you actually end up feeling BETTER from the daily exercise.  Seriously.  Try it.

Get off your ass.